"You ask me if I love you  
And I choke on my reply..."

The powers-that-be always assume that any awful crap can be sold as long as it relates to "love" or, more directly, Sex. Unfortunately, they are correct far too often. Many of us know certain songs that can stir up emotional responses, and sometimes they may be Pour on the schmaltzsilly songs; this is probably true for most of us. What I am trying to do here is bring up the Top 40 tunes that so ham-handedly attempted to be "emotional" or "sincere" that they turned into aberrations that are so bad that they're occasionally funny, if you can stand to hear them. Upon scouring the charts from the 1960's to the mid 1990's, we have arrived at a list of the ten worst sappy love songs. There are, of course, hundreds of songs that can be here, but for now, we've tried to distill them down to ten. Some performers did so many songs for this category, that we had to filter their songs down to the absolute worst. Among these "artists" are such luminaries as Kenny Rogers, Barry Manilow or the odious Air Supply. There are some songs on this list that you probably have not heard in a long time, and may be angered once you remember these horrifying melodies and find yourself unable to exorcise them from your brain. I've often found it amusing to start whistling one of these horrors and infect a co-worker's memory with it.

  1. Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
  2. The first two lines (at the top of this page) should tell you that you're in for a truly saccharine listening experience. Romance and all its strategy / Leaves me battling with my pride /But through the insecurity /Some tenderness survives... At times I think we're drifters /Still searching for a friend /A brother or a sister /But then the passion flares again... He seems a little confused, not only "battling with [his] pride" but also with some sort of latent incest fantasy. I have found many websites that actually consider this to be a great tune; this one has a full-length .wav version of the song. Amazingly, several artists, including Tina Turner, Cleo Laine and Rod Stewart have covered this abomination.
  3. Key Largo - Bertie Higgins
  4. Painfully terrible song... Honey can't you remember? /We played all the parts /That sweet scene of surrender /When you gave me your heart /Please say you will...play it again /'Cause I love you still /Baby this can't be the end...We've had it all, just like Bogey and Bacall... Bertie's Website describes him as "an intellectual romantic who loves to paint story songs about living and loving in a tropical paradise". Maybe someday he can achieve the same loathesomeness as his fellow Floridian hack, Jimmy Buffett.
  5. Feelings - Morris Albert
  6. This is truly one of the lowest points of popular culture; if aliens ever come down to destroy the Earth, this will probably be one of their reasons. ...Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it. /I wish I've never met you, girl; you'll never come again... especially if you're singing this shit.
  7. She Believes In Me - Kenny Rogers
  8. This song is so bad that you should check out all of the lyrics here. I was particularly touched by this line:
    While she lays crying, I fumble with a melody or two...indeed.
  9. I Can't Smile Without You - Barry Manilow
  10. This is just a vile, torturous offering from the grand, high, exalted, mystic poobah of chintzy, tinsel jingles.
  11. You Light Up My Life - Debby Boone
  12. This doesn't really need an intro, does it? Pat Boone's daughter singing a lousy title song from a terrible movie.
  13. All Out Of Love - Air Supply
  14. Why does so much bad music come out of Australia? There were several good acts that came from "down under", but they seem outweighed by the banal; Air Supply may have been the worst offender. This song is so high in syrupy viscosity that it wouldn't break down in the middle of a super-nova. I'm lying alone with my head on the phone / Thinking of you till it hurts /...I want you to come back and carry me home / Away from these long, lonely nights/ ...Oh what are you thinking of?...precisely.
  15. Escape (The Piña Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes
  16. This was the last number-one song of the 1970's (Billboard, Dec. 31, 1979). It is such a repugnant tune that it hardly needs an introduction. We've all heard it. Holmes is a long-time industry song-writer and producer who has been involved with some good music and even won a Tony Award. This song, however,is one of the most irritating I have ever heard.
  17. Longer - Dan Fogelberg
  18. This guy should be sued for emasculating an entire generation of men. Most of his material was sappy and insincere crap, but this song is thoroughly repulsive.   Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean /Higher than any bird ever flew / longer than there've been stars up in the heavens ...Stronger than any mountain cathedral / Truer than any tree ever grew / Deeper than any forest primeval / I am in love with you... Why does he use the incorrect "fishes" instead of "fish"? Are there any cathedrals in the mountains or was he just really aching to use the phrase "forest primeval" and stuck for a rhyme?
  19. Oh Babe, What Would You Say? - Hurricane Smith
  20. This is one of the most bizarre Top 40 songs ever, so much that it's somehow morbidly enjoyable. The melody is a pleasant-enough 1940's-type tune, but Smith's cracking, nasal voice made me wonder, then and now, how this song ever climbed the charts. Norman "Hurricane" Smith produced Syd Barrett's Pink Floyd and the innovative Pretty Things in the late 1960's; perhaps his touch for the unusual led him to release this oddity. The lyrics are silly, though actually intelligent when compared to today's nonsense. For there are you, sweet lollipop/ and here am I with such a lot to say, hey, hey!/ Just to walk with you along the Milky Way/ To caress you through the night time, bring you flowers every day/ Oh, Baaaaaabe! What would you saaaaaay?/... Oddly enough, there was a Carl Weathers action film released in 1992, called "Hurricane Smith" and there is a musical play by the same name. Neither has anything to do with this song or artist.